07-20-06 - 1:59 a.m.
you know. i started a whole new xanga so i could track my dieting or lack there of control.
and i hate xanga.
the same way i hate constantly weighing myself
the way i hate the way i talk about my weight with other people
the way 150 has never seems so.
concrete.
that's 10 pounds kids.
well really, its about 4.
but it's been a drunken / bored weight gain.
the worst part about being an emotional eater is when you're reaching for string cheese for the 7th time that day. after have cereal, w/ 1%, an apple, a tuna sam, a small salad, 3 cookies. and something else i can remember.
is when you don't know why the hell your eating. this is lauren making a choice she is choosing to be depressed and held captive by her once detested muscular body to her now detested flabby body - this is her, eating cookies and watching pilates she recored trying to find the will to get up and do at least a set of the hundred.
this is lauren. wishing she didn't have to go back to school till she lost the weight.
this is me, i'm wondering where my plan to get sexy with it for the school year, my plan that always starts so well. i had three months to change myself, and all i've done was made some not successful attemps to get back into running, and purging, i've made a thinspo file on my computer full of Lilo's stomach and vics thighs and i've started the self 30 day diet plan and i attemped the shape up short cut 14 day plan and the denise austin 21 pilates day plan and
i'm still. here.
and still fat. and i'm sitting in a room that has gone past the normal range of being dirty, it's just nasty, with trash on the floor. i'm embarrased.
i'm depressesed.
and i'm not sure why.
i've got my job i've got my money, my skin cleared up and i'm trying to sleep again.
i'm seeing my friends in less than 2 weeks and i've missed my goal of losing weight.
i've made tons of plans that i can't follow
i've screwed up projects in american lit.
if i could pay 185 dollars i'd skip the class and run more.
but i wouldn't
i would binge more.
and here i am now.
trying to sexy up these new curves, my larger ass i wished for.
yet now i'm carrying it around in pants that don't seem to fit the way they should.
i'm not excited.
the only reason i've gotten my waist is because i've gained love handle ish back fat.
so xanga. is competiton.
and i crumbled under pressure.
